But its over…

My hand twitches at thought

an involuntary thing. it can’t be stopped

I try to defect, diverge, distract

but somehow you always surface to the top

I keep thinking I owe you something

I need to rationalise what I’ve lost

your touch, breath, eyes on me

your love, my pain, now a feeling gone soft

Few things tumble in and out of my head

sensations clasp my middle

electricity runs through my fingertips

I cant shake off the rarity with which I fiddle

How can something I thought right

turn out so wrong? so unreal?

this HAS to be the end

but it can’t possibly be, for real

I keep thinking I owe you something

I need to rationalise what I’ve lost

your touch, breath, eyes on me

your love, my pain, now a feeling gone soft

babies?

I do not know if this is a whim or a fancy… but I have a sudden yearning to have a child… until very recently I held the conventional ‘Oh, babies are loud. Babies are a responsibility’. But I don’t know if my experiences have subtly changed something in me, or it is a natural hormone created in the months towards my 22nd that make me want to have a child…

I never believed the nonsense about children completing you, and womens’ bodies were made to give babies. But what I do know, is that I am starting. Starting to be mentally ready to have my own child… I always knew I would never love a human like I love my dogs… but would that change if I had my own child? Now, I am beginning to see that I would be the kind of mother who would buy a pair of dogs as my child’s birth gift, let them sleep together, by my side… I would love all of them…

Husband? Who said anything about a husband?

finally…

Finally, doing the thing I love most… travelling and performing. My band ‘yodhakaa’ and I are going to touring Delhi and Pune (in India) for a couple of shows… and I’ve packed in all my party gear… we-are-going-to-go-MAD. I figure I could live like this forever. Travel, see new places, shop, and sing ssssing sing, meet new people, paint, dance, write… I can’t wait, I’m so excited, I can barely type. All you bloggers… Susha is soon going to be coming to each and every one of your places, being a nut, excused from all moral and legal implications because she is an ‘artist’ and doesn’t give a damn!

chega de saudade

How many people go into depression? It seems like a really big cultural phenomenon. People making their lives into portholes of problems, and their every day course seems to be primarily handling or managing them. There is obviously something that is going wrong in the face of how people are living. The more open I get, the further back I feel I’m leaving people who need to feel at least half of what I feel.

For example, when I look at religion (which is a whole subject by itself) I am tempted to jump into the local bus, saying religion is bull, and we must stop differentiating among each other. Here is where people make mistakes. you can’t discount religion. It is apparently a practiced law that if more than six people are doing the same thing, no matter how ridiculous, it stops being a phenomenon and has to be accepted as a cult at the least. Religion and rituals have been passed down, and they define a culture. A society. It’s like a family. You feel responsible and protective of your family, and don’t include other people into it do you? It should be the same for your religion. Bu,t the difference is, you love people outside your family. You include them in, sometimes work with them, sometimes marry them. Now you are a bigger family. You may also choose to be close to a person without including him/her in your family, though he becomes a part of the family that encompasses your life, in the larger sense. Then, why exclude people from your religion. Why is it, one has to be in the same religion to enjoy the beauty of it? Hindu’s built temples not only to provide a peaceful place to relax and sort out one’s thoughts, but also based on strategic powerful locations based on vibration and direction. That is why the temple plan is so sacred and perfect. The course through the temple has effects on your body and mind. The walk through large temples not only lets you exercise your body, but also holds you in the temple long enough for you to benefit from the location. The same for all the rituals they keep you there, and focused. At the end of each ritual, flowers and fruits which are offered to ‘god’ or the ‘idol’ is given to less fortunate people who wait outside the temples… and you win their goodwill. Even the idols, however ridiculous staring at a stone carving and praying for your cancer to disappear, there is merit to this structure. The sculpture, in the olden days was made of stone, minerals etc that again, had powerful vibrations, that cruise through your body… concentrating on it helps you. And each religion has this. it all echoes to the same effect, but the method is different, depending wholly on convenience… and thus, wala, different religion. Again, all this may be an explanation. Just like science was. Now science just does not seem enough. We are beginning to fall into faith, which by no means is a reversion. Which, no matter what you say, goes back to collective thought. The more people have faith and belief, the more responsive their body becomes and the more it attracts things which are meant for you.

It is really not about being proven, or having reason. Somehow it really is you and your beliefs among everything. Why moan and drone about life’s problems. There is so much more, that has significance on a much higher level. People could be a lot happier once they stop expecting. ‘God’ does not have to save you just because you said your prayers. Your husband does not have to love you just because you made him good breakfast every morning. Stop looking for acceptance outside of yourself… it could help you become so much more aware…

I’ll have you know, we Hindus worship a lot of things. I worship the self. Other people their god… and others, even penises.

so THESE are lingams…

the lingam is said to be Siva’s organ coming out of Parvati. (his wife)

What exactly am i?

So a friend of mine and I want to start our own design line… with completely natural fibres- linen, muslin and the likes, and make comfortable yet chic clothes for all. We have a bunch of ideas, and I’ve done so many sketches, I’m itching to wear them!

The thing is, with all my music happening, I hardly have time or energy to take on such a big thing… but I cant seem to stop thinking about, and really really want to start my own line… dresses, hats, shoes…

Books… I keep thinking about my book… I’m writing a top- secret book that borrows from the life of a legend, but is actually my own version of what might have gone on in her head… I also want to collaborate with my friend for a book we plan to call ‘gravity’. And, I wish disney would one day look at me… my biggest dream is to star and sing in my own disney princess movie. =)

And, i have GOT to get down to all the paintings waiting for me… so many ideas, everything ready. Just not yet put my hand to the brush and the brush to the board.

I guess jewellery design will have to wait.

Artseek, a company I’ve started with my friend, will survive… mainly because of my friend. He knows what to push for from me. =)

SO MANY SONGS TO WRITE!!!

Musician? Nah… artist? Maybe. Creator… yeah. Creator.

Drawing plan. Top secret.

So I watched ‘Despicable Me’ and I have decided that Gru definitely needs to know how to do it. Everyone is going about it the wrong way. The moon cannot be a possession. So here is my idea, my evil plan.

So long suckers!!! Die Vector! Cry, Gru! Go back to your baby gawls, and kwiss them all nighty night!!!

P.S

Calling all aidable and abettable villans

I have a plan. This is to shock the world. I require your help with technical issues.

I am not interested in riches or fame. Just self satisfaction.

I intend to gain it by stealing the moon and storing it where no one will ever find it. Ever again.

Not even you.

Reply if you will help me, though I can not promise any returns.

how many more to satisfy me?

Everyone brags about how being on stage brings them alive, and how its like dope for them, and they lose themselves… the truth is, each show is a lifetime. Here are the things I love about my shows-

Practice. I cant remember when I am more happy. All I want to do is sit with my guys, make music, smile at each other, share food and ideas and chill at my practice place with no limits to ANYTHING. My other favorite practice time it with my mum and gran. See, I know I complain about them, I know sometimes I feel they constrict my artistic freedom… but at the end of the day, it pays off. the frustration really does come out!

j lo and dime. My two soul mates. I love having them lounge around me when I practice. I sneak them up on my bed and sing to them. They are my biggest artistic inspirations.

The day of the show. When I sleep. All day. I just sleep so much, I sleep like I’m going to sleep through the show! Its the time I sleep best… relaxing before my concerts.

the drive to the venue- the sound check. this is just an extended practice session.

the actual concert is mostly a blur. I don’t know when i get up there. I rarely know what I sing. I’ve tried earlier to savor every moment, but it just doesn’t work that way. I am in a haze, not realizing what I sing, not the beginnning or the end of each song… not even getting off.

And a feeling I will never miss- a gratefulness that the show went well… the final admission to myself that I actually was a bit tense about the concert, as I feel myself winding off, and relaxing… taking the night off sleep, and laying in wait for the next whole rigmarole, that is never usually far away. =D

biology for two

Slowly… bending, looking up

At your whiteness, standing still, frozen

You envelope me, pick me up

Reveal me to myself

Wait. Don’t hold me back, let me go

Swing swing swing… now I’m on top

Now you are. Ow! Don’t let me go all together

I’m free… wait… what?

Ok. Come with me. Swing me up to that.

Now I can reach it… why won’t you let me go?!

Whoa… now I see. The world is all mine.

In front of me. Just for me.

Don’t, don’t! I will forget.

Great. I have forgotten.

Are you ok? Have I said something wrong?

I have something you want don’t I?

I will join you. Help you.

Take me. Now we are one. I move when you move

You move when I think.

A circle… a line. A form.

Propel me, pull me back, twist me, turn with me.

Can you walk now? I have more.

I will take you. Yes?

Don’t complicate things yet. It does not have to be so.

Aren’t you a fast learner? Ah… that’s it.

It has been too much. Who ARE you?

May I leave now? I don’t want to.

But I should.

Maybe you won’t let me. I knew you won’t.

Don’t feel so bad. Ok I will stay.

Though I am here, only for you.

Take me to your home.

2012 = SPAIN

Being young and artsy, I have a dream, that I will escape to Spain in 2012 under the pretext of doing an art course, maybe some music shows, and not come back for six months at least. I wonder how people just go on living in the same place, doing the same things for ever. Stability is one thing… but I’ve just gotta get away. The sitting around, trying to please people who just don’t get enough. Putting up faces in front of different people, maintaining them, trying not to do anything that upsets the perfect balance you have created yourself, JUST so that you can go on living in your queer asymmetry without anyone’s interference. Its a hectic life the way I lead it. Mentally exhaustive, and pretty darn fruitless. 2012, spain. 2014 brasil, and I might never be touched again. Well, I might fly in for a concert or two, but other wise, its the world, music and me. You think they’l allow J lo to travel with me?

dog drip

To have one’s love lick one. And oneself. My dog has devised a new way of hitting two things at one shot at pleasure… she licks her leg and my leg together. Half a tongue for hers and the other half… for mine. My dog’s licking habits aren’t something I have a say in… she licks just exactly what she wants… and I don’t complain as long she saves a slurp or two for my feet. So thats Susha and J lo to all of you. keep with a licking distance of us, and you know you are going to stick around for a while. While I busy myself with some market research on music- art- a- doos  who could have been tragically undiscovered if it weren’t for ‘xxx’, in the hope that I have answers for ALL MY QUESTIONS waiting, out there.